This One Time I Tried To Ride My Bike From Mount Maunganui To Morrinsiville And Failed

refilling-drink-bottle-top-of-kaimais

This one time I tried to ride from home in Mount Maunganui to Morrinsville, a distance of 94 kilometres.

I estimated an average speed of 25kph so thought the ride would take 4 hours.

My wife and I were meeting her family for lunch in Morrinsville at 12, so I set off at 8am, and she was to follow in the car, leaving at 11am.

Upon setting off it became immediately obvious that this estimate was not conservative enough.  The head wind was vicious.  And even on the flat, before I began my climb of the Kaimai ranges, I was struggling to maintain an average of 20kph.

Oh dear.

However, I dug deep and persevered.

Half way into my ascent of the Kaimai ranges, the weather turned nasty.  The warm spring day become a harsh winter day.

It rained. I got soaked through (I was only wearing my bike shorts and shirt).

The wind got stronger.  I was almost buffeted into traffic on a couple of occassions.

The temperature plummeted from 19 degrees to about 5 degrees. My breath was frosty.

It got foggy, I was actually in the rain clouds.

My 5cm of cycle lane going up the Kaimai Ranges (before the weather turned nasty)
My 5cm of cycle lane going up the Kaimai Ranges (before the weather turned nasty)

That’s when I got worried.

Huge logging trucks were coming up behind me and I didn’t have a fluro vest on, so they couldn’t see me through the fog until the last minute.  I had 5 centimetres of cycle lane to myself. Sometimes zero.

Even though I was still putting a big effort into my ride, it wasn’t enough to keep me warm. I started shivering.

I was in real trouble.

I looked over into the sheep farms beside the road and imagined grabbing a sheep, lying down on the ground and plonking the sheep on top of me to keep me warm.

I started looking for a farm house that I could seek shelter from, but all I could see was muddy farm roads. I had no idea how far along these roads the farm house might be, and I would have to walk in my cycle shoes with cleats.

Finally I saw a big red sign on the side of the road with a tarseal driveway.  The sign said “Farm Kills”.  I hoped this farm would be quite the opposite; my lifeline.

I rode past a few farm sheds up to the farm house.  I wrenched my frozen fingers off the handlebars and dismounted.

I knocked on the front door, hoping it would be flung wide and I would be warmly welcomed in (emphasis on the “warmly”!).  I envisaged a steaming shower and sitting around infront of a roaring fire in a dressing gown sipping cognac while my clothes were washed and dried.

Alas, it was not to be.

No-one opened the door. The place was deserted.

Apart from a vicious attack dog that was alerted to my presence and came racing around the corner of the house to bark at me.

Actually it wasn’t particularly vicious. And I beyond giving a damn.  I walked around to the verander of the property and had another knock on the ranchslider door just in case.  No answer.

The vicious attack dog that wasn't actually all that vicious.
The vicious attack dog that wasn't actually all that vicious.

I sat down on the veranda exhausted but thankful to be out of the rain and wind.  And after a few minutes the dog joined me.

I called my wife (thankfully my cellphone was still working despite the rain), and told her to leave a little early so she could pick me up on the way to Morrinsville.

The deer staring at me over the fence
The deer staring at me over the fence

As I was sitting there waiting, I noticed a herd of deer at the fence. They stared curiously at me. I stared wearily back at them.

So that’s it.

My attempt to ride over the Kaimai’s failed that day.

But I learnt a few valuable lessons for a later attempt:

1. Don’t even bother leaving if there’s going to be a ferocious head wind the whole way

2. Wear a fluro-vest even if it’s the middle of the day

3. If the weather turns to shit, quit.

4. When estimating the time, add at least 50% to the normal speed estimate

View of the Waikato from the top of the Kaimai's
View of the Waikato from the top of the Kaimai's

And I did have another attempt 3 weeks later. And this time, success! It took 5 hours, at an average speed of 18kph.  My average during training rides is about 30kph so this gives you an indication of the difficulty.

Whew.

Goal achieved.

refilling-drink-bottle-top-of-kaimais
Refilling my drink bottle from the spring at the top of the Kaimai's

How To Print Only Newest Section Of Email In An Outlook Email Conversation Thread

print-outlook-emailSometimes, you just need a hardcopy version of an email for quick reference, right?

But do you feel guilty when you print out the entire email conversation (10 or 20 pages sometimes) when all you needed was the last one or two emails?

With Gmail, it’s easy. You can choose exactly which emails in the conversation to print.

With Outlook it can’t be done. You’ll end up with the whole conversation. A waste of paper!

Well here’s how you can print just the emails you want, out of a long email conversation with Microsoft Outlook:

  1. Click on the “forward” button
  2. Delete the older parts of the email conversation
  3. Print

Easy!

The Ultimate Water Conservation Technique

water-recycling-water-conservationCountries have been fighting over resources for centuries.

One of the biggest fights at the moment is over oil.

But the biggest fight of them of them all is coming.

It’s the fight over the one resource none of us can do without:

Water.

As the worlds population leaves 6 billion behind, and marches steadily onward to 10 billion, and then 20 billion perhaps in the middle of this century, whoever controls the water supply will control the world.

So what can we do to protect our water supply?

Build huge underground resouviours?

Collect all the plastic bottles from the landfill, and fill them with water?

No. No. No.

The answer is to leave the tap running.

And here’s why:

  1. The water pours down your sink
  2. Into your local treatment plant
  3. And out to sea
  4. The sun evaporates the sea water and creates water vapour
  5. The water vapour condenses into clouds
  6. The clouds pour the water down on the mountains
  7. The water from the mountains forms steams and rivers
  8. Your council sucks up the water
  9. And feeds it into the town water supply

So if you “waste” water you are actually giving it a chance to make it’s way to someone who needs it.

Problem solved.

water-recycling-water-conservation

I Put A Chicken Out Of It’s Misery… Somewhat Humanely

chicken-feather-on-grassThis one time we were staying with my Dad in New Plymouth.

The daily task for my cousin and I was to collect the eggs from a family friends chicken coop, who lived nearby, while they were away.

On the first day we noticed one of the hens getting picked on. Classic “pecking order” stuff.  We shooed the other hens away but couldn’t do much else.

On the second day he looked a bit beaten up, and while we were there feeding them and collecting the eggs, one chicken after another would come past him and peck at the comb on top of his head!

Cruel bastards!

We shooed them away, but couldn’t do much else.

On the third day he was in really bad shape. He was sitting in the coop on an odd angle with his eyes half closed. The comb on the top of his head was completely gone, reduced to a bloodied mat of feathers.

I picked him up and stroked him for a while. But it was obvious he hadn’t eaten or drank in days and he had brain damage, barely conscious.

So we did the humane thing. We let him go…

And when I say “let him go”, I mean:

  • We got back in the car, with the chicken cradled in my cousins lap…
  • We accelerated up to 100km an hour on the open road…
  • Opened the passenger window…
  • And chucked the chicken out…
  • We turned the car around…
  • Found him just on the edge of the road…
  • So I asked my cousin to help me position the front left tyre just behind the chicken…
  • And floored it…
  • After tearing up the road, we swung the car around and returned to the spot…
  • And found only 4 or 5 feathers…
  • The chicken had evaporated and had been put out of it’s misery… somewhat humanely
  • Mission accomplished.

My cousin, is still traumatised whenever I remind him of this story.

chicken-feather-on-grass

How To Measure Your Lung Capacity In 9 Easy Steps

  1. Take the deepest breath you can
  2. Inflate a balloon with a single breath (if you have already completed step 1 and haven’t got a balloon yet, release your breath, go and buy one, and repeat step 1)
  3. Tie it off
  4. Get a large, deep oven tray and put it on the floor
  5. Fill an empty bucket and put it in the centre of the oven tray
  6. Top up the bucket of water with extra water until it is full to the very top (don’t let any slosh into the oven tray)
  7. Gently dunk your balloon in the water. The water will start pouring out of the bucket and into the oven tray. Fully submerge the balloon (try not to slosh extra water out of the bucket when doing so)
  8. Take the balloon and bucket away
  9. Either:
    • Poor the water from the oven tray into a measuring jug, or
    • Weigh the oven tray with the water in it, empty the oven tray and weigh it, the difference in weight is your lung capacity in litres (because 1 litre of water weighs exactly 1 kg)

How many litres of water did you collect? That is your lung capacity.

Why would you want to do this?

I don’t know.

Seems like a lot of work for just a number to brag to your friends about…

How To Pick A Perfectly Ripe Avocado

perfect-avocadoMy mum asked me to try avocado when I was young. I thought it was revolting at the time.  But in my late 20’s I thought I’d give it another shot, and I freakin loved it!  And I’ve been eating them ever since.

I’ve had avocado in my sandwhiches every day for the last 4 years.

During the off season they can cost $3.50 each so that tells you how much I can’t do without them.

So I’ve chosen and eaten about 600 avocados in the last 4 years so I know a thing or two about choosing them.

The secret to picking a perfectly ripe avocado:

Ripen it yourself at home on the kitchen bench.

It is the only way.

Sorry, you can’t just grab one from the supermarket or fruit and vege shop.  If you do you’ll probably only be able to use half of it because it will be covered in bruises.

So avocados aren’t an impulse purchase. You have to plan ahead.

So buy them when they are bright green. This ensures that no-one has come along and squeezed it!

From that stage they can take 3 to 5 days to ripen.

3 Tests to tell you if your avocado is perfectly ripe and ready-to-eat

  1. What colour is the avocado?
    • When the green skin darkens to black, you are almost ready
    • Just a hint of green skin remaining means just one more day on the kitchen bench is required
  2. How easy is it to remove the tiny remaining stalk (left over from the avocado vine) with your thumb?
    • Very gently, try to remove it by rocking it back and forth with your thumb
    • If it is difficult to remove, wait another day
    • If it is easy to remove, it’s another indication of perfect ripeness
  3. How firm is the avocado?
    • Hold it gently in your hand, and squeeze gently. GENTLY DAMN YOU! Don’t bruise it!
    • If it is very firm, wait another day
    • If it gives a little, it is ready

Ok, if your avocado passes those 3 tests, you are ready to cut it open and take a look.

Hopefully, the flesh is bright green, smells fresh, doesn’t have stringy bits, and is free from “avocado tumors”, and the stone removes easily.

Here’s a short video to explain a bit more:


Enjoy!

perfect-avocado

I Had A Huge Bottle Rocket Fight With Some Friends On School Property

moon-traveller-bottle-rocketsThis one time, in our last year of high school at John Paul College in Rotorua, 2 friends and I set off to The Warehouse one weekend to buy a pack of “Moon Traveller” bottle rockets (and a lighter).

They came in 12 packs of 12.

Yes, that’s 144 rockets each.

We went to the school grounds that Saturday, and to the far corner of the property which has a stream on 3 sides and a big shed for the schools lawn mowing equipment.

The precise location is shown on this map:

View Larger Map

And there we had our bottle rocket war.

No eye protection. No rules. Just 144 rockets each and a lighter.  Just 2 hours of exhilerating danger and fun.

Sure, we got burn holes in our good clothes, and a few mildly toasted fingers. But nobody died. Nobody lost an eye.  It was just good old fashioned, play-in-the-dirt fun.

In fact, it was so much fun, the next day (Sunday) we did the same again, this time with another friend.

So the 4 of us had another 576 bottle rockets between us.

More burn holes in our favourite clothes, more burnt fingers but still no major injuries.

The next day at school assembly, the principal asked who was responsible for the 1000 spent bottle rockets lying around that corner of the property.

None of us said a word.

Jar Lid Stuck On Tight? 6 Ways To Open A Jar

#1 Trick to opening jars with stuck lids

First turn the jar upside down and hold it with one hand (don’t touch the lid).

Slap the bottom of the jar with an open hand as hard as you can.

Try and open the jar.

Didn’t work? Try this:

#2 Trick to opening jars with hard-to-open lids

Run the jar under hot water for a minute or two.

Quickly dry it off and try to open it.

Didn’t work? Try this:

#3 Trick to open a jar

Carefully put the tip of a bread-and-butter knife under the lid of the jar and twist the knife a little bit.

Hopefully, this will let a little bit of air into the jar.

Didn’t work? Try this:

#4, #5, #6 Three more quick-fire last resorts when a jar just won’t open

    • Watch infomercials until you see one of those jar clamps for old people. Buy it.
    • Call a lawn mower man and ask him to come around to give you a quote, when he arrives, ask him to open it and then tell him his price is too high
    • Smash the jar by throwing it on the floor, eat the contents with a spoon (spit out the glass) Hint: wash the floor first.

      I Got Confused With Day Light Savings And My Clocks Were Out By 3 Hours

      This one time, late one night on the evening of day light savings, I put all the clocks forward one hour as instructed by the reminders on TV.

      But when I woke up the next day I couldn’t recall if I had done all the clocks, so I went through the house and put the clocks that I didn’t think I had changed yet, forward an hour.

      It wasn’t until later that afternoon that I realised my mistake.

      Instead of putting the clocks back, I had put them forward. Twice.

      So I was out by 3 hours.

      Most embarrassing.

      But give me a break, I was only 10.

      Since then I have learned the expression “Spring forward, fall back”, and I never go wrong.

      Why I Don’t Drink – 5 Good Reasons Why I Don’t Get Drunk

      Why I don’t sip the sweet nectar that is excreted from the arse-end of bacteria. 5 Reasons.

      drunk-santaI am often asked why I don’t drink alcohol, so I thought I would answer the question here.  I have in fact quite a number of reasons.  It first came about when I became a christian in 1996.  I just thought that was one of the rules so I made the decision easily.

      Prior to that I would get wasted maybe once every week or two, but I never really enjoyed the taste.  I’d have to hold my nose to drink beer and spirits, much to the amusement of my friends.

      After being a christian for a while I realised that it wasn’t so much the consuming of alcohol that was frowned upon, so much as getting blind drunk and having the respect for your body not to kill off brain cells that way.  I didn’t see any point in drinking without getting drunk so that didn’t change my decision.

      5 reasons why I don’t drink now:

      1. I enjoy being in control

      And when I was at uni I was around drunk people a lot.  So I saw all the stupid decisions and mistakes that drunk people make all the time.

      The most stupid of all stupid decisions, that really pisses me off, is drunk driving.

      Many individual’s become completely oblivious to how drunk they are.  The rational, objective part of their brain completely turns off, and think that they are capable of driving.

      “Killed needlessly by a drunk driver” – Do you want that on the gravestone of your loved ones?

      (I’m all for zero tolerance for drink driving. Please, sign the petition. Yes, yes, it’s a petition for Botswana, but I couldn’t find a New Zealand one, so it will have to do.)

      2. Because I don’t need to be drunk to have fun

      I don’t have any inhibitions about how I dance.  I like to be the crazy guy breakdancing and thrashing around, that point to and think “oh, I wish I was as brave as him!”.

      At a party once, I was jumping around to the music pulling all these phreaky moves with a mate and  people were coming up to my brother and saying “dude, your brother is so trashed!!” and he would say “actually, he hasn’t drunk in about 6 years!!”

      I seem to be missing the gene: “can only loosen up and have fun when drunk”.

      3. Because I like to drive

      I can take my own car anywhere, leave whenever I want to, and not have to shell out $20 for a taxi or bum a ride off somebody else (or get stranded in town with no money and no way to get home).

      4. Because it still tastes bad

      Although it is a distinct possibility I could swallow a sickly sweet alco-pop without holding my nose, I find beer, spirits and wine abhorrent.

      I seem to be missing the gene: “alcohol tastes pleasant”.

      5. Because its an expensive hobby

      I didn’t have a lot of money when I was at uni but I loved to go into town for a thrash, and a few hours out often costs me nothing.

      drunk-santa

      I am often asked why I don’t drink alcohol, so I thought I would answer the question here.  I have infact quite a number of reasons.  It first came about when I became a christian in 1996.  I just thought that was one of the rules so I made the decision easily.Prior to that I would get toasted maybe once every week or two, but I never really enjoyed the taste.  I’d have to hold my nose to drink beer and spirits, much to the amusement of my friends.

      After being a christian for a while I realised that it wasn’t so much the consuming of alcohol that was frowned upon, so much as getting blind drunk and having the respect for your body not to kill off brain cells that way.  I didn’t see any point in drinking without getting drunk so that didn’t change my decision.

      I don’t drink now, because:

      I enjoy being in control.

      And being sober around drunk people a lot, I see what stupid decisions and mistakes that drunk people make all the time.  The one that really gets to me is drunk driving where often the individual is completely oblivious to how drunk they are and think that they are capable of driving.

      Because I don’t need to be drunk to have fun.

      I don’t have any inhibitions about how I dance, I like people to notice the crazy dude breakdancing and thrashing around.  At a party once, I was jumping around to the music pulling all these phreaky moves with just one other dude and  people were coming up to my brother and saying “dude, your brother is so trashed!!” and Tim would say “actually, he hasn’t drunk in about 6 years!!”

      Because I like to drive.

      I can take my own car anywhere, leave whenever I want to, and not have to shell out $10 or so for a taxi or bum a ride off somebody else.

      Because it still tastes bad.

      Although I’m sure I could find something to my liking, the traditional beer and spirits are not.

      Because its expensive.

      I don’t have a lot of money right now but I do like to go into town for a thrash, and a few hours out often costs me nothing.